Autumn is upon us, and so is the news fatigue. For those of you looking for a quick, succinct update on national news, this one’s for you. I’m, like, 65% sure this is what’s been happening.

  • Federal investigators are now asking for Rudy Giuliani’s emails and texts after an office raid in April uncovered a total of 53 mini Twix wrappers inside his desk drawer. “It was certainly one of the more disturbing findings,” says an FBI executive. “Why not just buy the normal-sized bar?”

  • Strict Tennessee abortion law has been amended to provide greater protection for women. Subsection will ban pickup line “You’re the only ten-I-see,” which has somehow contributed to a statistically significant number of unwanted pregnancies in the state. 

  • Texas Gov. Greg Abbott clarifies that the state's new abortion law does not “force” women to give birth. The law actually does permit abortions, he says, but only when the pregnancy is not yet known about and an abortion is not yet possible. 

  • President Joe Biden’s vaccine mandates receive major pushback from both GOP and coronavirus.

  • The United States rain checks plans to address “code red” climate emergency, citing self-care reasons.

  • Texas governor justifies vaccination-pro-choice, pregnancy-pro-life stance by explaining that he’s OK with some people dying, but not others. This was not informed by a personal belief system, but rather determined via coin flip. 

Let me know what I missed at ;)

— Staff notes originally run in our daily email newsletter, Indy Now, along with news updates, photos of the day, a weekly poll and more. Sign up below.

Anna Fiorino is a graduate from San Diego State University. She is a journalist with (more than three but less than twenty) years of experience. In her free time, she edits novels.